Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I lost the right to judge tonight
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
