I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the room spins SO much faster in panama
being pregnant is like rehab
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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