There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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