Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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