Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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