It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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