I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
