I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
