When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
