i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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