If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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