i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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