These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I love having hate sex.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
