Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Randomize