I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
