Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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