after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize