so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
