I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize