A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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