Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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