new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
