what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
