The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
