just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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