an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
