Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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