remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
