you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
