I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
