tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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