I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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