Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
