Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
