You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
