the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
