i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
