What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
