I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was like eating out sand paper
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize