Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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