youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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