I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
