If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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