Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
