I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
