So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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