Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
