I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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