I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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