I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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