Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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