Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
