I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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